Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
