remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
