I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
