all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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