the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
