The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
