the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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