i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
