I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
