Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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