It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
