And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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