someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
