Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
