i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dear god my vagina.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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