Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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