The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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