when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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