you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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