I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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