quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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