To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
