I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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