Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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