Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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