she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
