I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize