is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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