When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
