she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
