I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
