She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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