PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It all started with a game of naked twister.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
