We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
