normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
