Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
