So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
