she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
not ubering you a puppy
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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