If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
