i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pants are for mortals
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
