I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Im part way to drunk.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
