Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize