Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
