1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
