Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
