If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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