hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just pynch a tree in the face
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
