Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
