My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
