just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
