I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize