I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
