Dude my mom stole all your condoms
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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