i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
