You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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