That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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