what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
