im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
