I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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