dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
