whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize