We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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