How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
