i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
