Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dicks are not precious.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
